last night, i felt the return of allegory.
in two specific dreams. they arrived one after the other.
the first was in regards to the pain in my mind. it is as if i am in a black and white house. it is cold and colorless. the long hallway is where the demons are. they carry guns and say vile things. they shoot me and i bleed. but they are demons so they do not have the ability to go on endlessly. i outlast them and they fade. occasionally the house will appear to be in color, but mostly it is somewhere in between-grey. i moved from dreamer to observer. i saw myself interacting with the tormenting images and words. trauma introduces you to such a place as this. all of what you assumed is gone and in the sucking hole of nothingness, the Enemy rushes in and sticks his belly into the soft surface of your brain.
i have walked and sat and listened to these spirits. several times i have put my head in their laps and agreed, yes yes you are so right. but in the moment when you are blinking and your eyes are closed, wings can brush your cheek and you can breathe in twice and exhale only once.
i saw the fire of God roar through the hallway. behind him everything became alive in color and texture and meaning. the fire engulfed the spirits and it was nothing i did or thought or wanted. it was the truth and power and righteous way of the Lord. everything must bow. every spirit confesses before it is consumed. all lies stop. i saw this in my mind. i looked at my chest and realized i was never really bleeding.
secondly, i saw my own self in a viking ship. i said good bye to myself from a shore line. the boat was set on fire and it went towards a horizon. i knew that some part of my life, my heart, was dead and had to be buried. but no, not in the ground. i cannot release this to some place where i can go and excavate. no-i have to release it to the washing of the water that is the Word. i send it off with a grand ceremony, for it was a worthy life, full of beauty and work. but i simply can’t live inside of that body anymore. some part of me crashes at the thought of all this. but i cannot get the taste of the truth out of my mouth. that time is gone. that woman is dead.
i am still living in shadows. i don’t understand how i am supposed to be anything other than what i have always been. how do i stop being this way? how do i stop being wrong?
i think it’s in the EXCHANGE. because i can’t stop. i have to release it all.
for then, there is the RECIEVING.
